“Everything in moderation, including moderation.” ~ Oscar Wilde
If you are like me, moderation isn’t one of your strong suits. Thinking back, I think I’ve always been an extremist. As a child, I would speed through interests, never lingering on any one too long. I would throw myself into whatever game or hobby I happened to be interested in at the time. As a teenager, I was the same way, especially with whichever boy I happened to be dating that week. Just as quickly as I grew interested in someone and succeeded in getting them interested in me, I was ready to move on, poor guys. I grew bored with things very easily. Moving out of my teens, my extremism seemed to become more mental. One second, life is perfect! Happy happy joy joy! The very next second, oh no, everything is horrible!
Alcohol seemed to quiet those mental extremes. Oddly enough, I never bored of alcohol. But then again, I could never quite understand alcohol either- I never “solved” it or “fixed” it, so maybe it kept me interested or medicated enough to keep me hanging on. It was good–oh so good–until it wasn’t. But by then I wasn’t able to move on to the next interest. Alcohol had its hooks in me, physically and mentally, much like an abusive relationship; I wanted to leave it, but I couldn’t. Then one day I managed to escape, and I decided to never go back.
These days I have thrown myself into running. Moderation is still hard to come by for me. I will always have the addict/alcoholic mindset, but if I can steer it toward healthy choices and habits, then I’m okay with that for now. As long as I don’t drink. I am fortunate that, most days, I am utterly uninterested in alcohol. When my brain starts to go down that “wouldn’t it be nice if I had just one glass of wine…” track, I just try to play the tape forward in my head and remember that, no, it would so not be nice, it would be disastrous. I never drank in moderation. Never. I could never just have one- there was zero joy in that for me. And in the end, there was zero joy in any number of drinks for me.
Moderation and alcohol will never go hand in hand for me. And that’s okay. I am learning to be okay with that. And I am learning to be okay with the people who can drink in moderation.
I am dipping my toe in the pool of moderation though as it relates to blogging. I really don’t want to burn out, nor do I wish to burn you out. There are probably twenty times a day that I want to delete my blogging account (that’s dumb!, no one will read it, your words don’t make sense, you will be judged, what if your friends or family find out, what if you’re actually Successful?!…) you name it, the extremist voices in my head have probably chattered about it. But at least I recognize those voices now, and I know They Lie. So I may or may not blog daily, my posts may wind around everywhere and end up way off topic, but if you’re reading this, it means I’m still here. And I’m glad you are too.
(I’m working to re-program my brain from doing the below. I think I need more of a dial light switch- a rheostat I think they’re called? One that I can just turn to adjust the brightness, or dimness. I’m working on it! Everything in moderation, including moderation, right?)
Categories: Recovery & Life