My last post, I shared Stephen Fry’s letter in which he encouraged a bummed out girl not to despair, “it will be sunny one day.”
I’ve spent the last almost-three-weeks (geez, has it been that long!?) waiting for the sun to come out. It’s been rough you guys. Spot should have had three chemo treatments by now. She’s had one. After her first treatment, her white blood cell count was too low the following week to do her second treatment. The vet assured us this was normal and that we could wait until the next week to do her second treatment. But then Spot got sick with horrible stomach and digestive issues–without going into graphic detail, suffice it to say nothing would stay down or in, if we could get her to eat or drink at all. We’re not sure if it’s delayed response to the first chemo drug (Vincristine) or to the Prednisone steroids or even to a bacterial infection. We had to postpone chemo again because, as the vet informed me, “we can’t give chemo to a sick dog.” Ugh, I know, I know… But in the back of my mind I keep hearing the clock tick down, every second, tick, tick, tick, tick, keeping us away from life-extending chemo.
It’s hard to feel so helpless. I hate it. I feel myself slipping back into caregiver mode, neglecting myself and most of the world around me while I focus single-minded on my little girl’s health and care. I can control my surroundings (to a degree), but I can’t control her health, no matter how I am trying. You’d think I would have learned this with my mom’s passing, but it’s those feelings that made drinking my then, not now, go-to escape.
Instead now I’ve had a short-fuse, I’ve been arguing with my husband, I’ve been neglecting friends, I’ve been zoning out playing Bejeweled on my phone, I haven’t posted on my blog or Facebook, I’m isolating, I’ve been baking cookies and even making pies–from scratch no less! I know I have my head in the sand… I see it, I do, at least I know what I’m doing. I think those are just my coping mechanisms while I wait for the sun to come back out.
The good news is, the past few days have felt sunnier. Spot is acting like her old self and feeling much better. I’ve been sleeping better. I’ve gone for a few runs. I’m eating healthier. I’m not as foggy. I don’t feel as depressed. I’m thinking about blog topics. As I wrote to a friend, “I am cautiously optimistic.”
(And let me just say thank-you to everyone for not saying to me, “but she’s just a dog!”, because she’s not “just a dog” to me. She’s a family member, a best friend, and the closest thing to a child I am likely to ever have. If you get it, you get it; if you don’t, that’s okay–but thank you for not saying I’m crazy.)
A big thank you to my new followers; I’m really glad you found me! I usually try to stop by and comment on new followers’ blogs, but, yep, I’ve had my head in the sand. I’ll try to stop by to say hi soon.
Thank you Julie Israel at The Read Room for nominating me for The Reality Award. Julie runs a fantastic blog “for readers, writers and word-a-holics” and I love that she is sweet, funny, REAL, and a true writer’s writer. Check out her site and say hi for me!
And thank you to my friends who have emailed me to see how I’m doing. I really appreciate and love you guys.
Hey, whatdoyaknow? Is that the sun out there? It sure the heck looks like the sun to me… I guess that’s what happens when you take your head out of the sand for a few minutes to look around. You start seeing all these things you’ve missed. Including the sun.
(I love The Beatles’ original, but it’s virtually impossible to listen to Richie’s version–complete with congas!–without tapping your foot along. Love his live interpretation of this classic song. Video link to “Here Comes the Sun” by Richie Havens HERE for my email followers.)
So…. how are you? Is it sunny where you are today? I hope so. If it’s not, just remember, “it will be sunny one day.”
They’re never “just a dog” or “just a cat” to people like us. When my darling Victor was sick, I really never left him for more than 4 hours at a time–for 2 years. They give so much unconditional love and we are obligated to return the love by caring for them, at least that’s how I feel. Hope your baby continues to do well! Love the song, too. It’s sunny and 80+ in SoCal.
Hi Shelly! Sorry I didn’t respond sooner, your comment went to my spam folder for some reason. WordPress is being sneaky again, lol.
That unconditional love is so true, and I love that dogs don’t hold grudges either (cats on the other hand… haha). They give so much and ask for so little. People could learn a lot from dogs.
As an aside, the weather is what I miss the most about living in So. Cal. Every day was like a tropical vacation.
Oh wait, maybe I miss Nordstrom Rack the most. Man, that’s a tough one. Gotta call it a tie.
Hope you are doing well and hanging in there… I know you’re missing your hubby. xoxo
Sorry to read that you are facing so many challenges. You are doing such a great job looking after everyone else, just make sure there’s some time for you too. Take care and be kind to yourself
Thank you so much, Carolyn.
Love,
Christy
Glad the sun’s peeking out. I understand how attached you are to Spot. My Ginger’s part of the family too (except when we eat salmon…then I treat her like a dog because I don’t want to share. I give her the skin sometimes. Does that count for being nice?) Anyway, glad she’s feeling better and good luck with the next few treatments.
The sun and I are both peeking out. (We are expecting 75 degree temperatures here on Sunday! Wow!)
Salmon skin counts for being nice, most definitely. Ginger is one lucky puppy!
Thanks for the well wishes… hopefully it’ll be a smoother ride here on out…
Christy,
I’m sorry you feel this way, and don’t like knowing you’re struggling. I do understand though that sometimes, nothing else but time will make a difference. I do hope these small messages of love give you a little boost.
Your friend,
Eric
Eric,
I am feeling boosted already. It’s hard to not smile when I see a note from my favorite red-nosed friend.
Time takes time, right? (Cookies help too though.)
Thank you so very much for thinking of me.
Happy to be your friend,
Christy
Ai-yi–what a rocky road you and your pooch are on. I’m so glad she’s doing a little better, and that you’re seeing some glimmers of light yourself. Hard, hard decisions when you’re making them for others, whether people or critters. Kudos to you for finding ways to cope that don’t involve alcohol, no matter how many cookies you eat!
Hi Susan,
This is so true:
I think that’s been the hardest thing–wondering if I’ve made the right decisions. These past couple of days while she has had no steroids or chemo drugs, she has seemed so happy and bouncy. It really makes me think. Hopefully things will smooth out over the next week or two; I certainly don’t want the cure to be worse than the disease.
Cookies and Bejeweled—they beat the heck out of blackouts and hangovers!
All my love, C
Anyone who says, “Just a dog” doesn’t understand love. My two big mutts and I send our best to your girl, and to you. Enjoy each day that you have together; may you have many sunny days together!
Thank you so much Susan. We’ve had a fun day together, and even took a couple of walks to enjoy the sunny day today!
Spot sends big tail wags to your pups. (Aren’t mutts the best? Spot is a Heinz 57 girl for sure–I think she’s a mix of everything…)
I hope you’re having a great weekend! ~ Christy
xoxo
Hugs and kisses back ‘atcha!
Hey you! Lovely to hear from you and that you are starting to peak through the clouds. You are totally awesome, you know that? Best of luck in dealing with whatever might happen with Spot in the future.. there are probably ways you can prepare yourself to cope. Sounds like you’re doing an awesome job already though. As hard as it is you are feeling your way through the grief and pain and not numbing with booze. Having a short fuse and isolating is fine.. so long as it’s not forever!!! Sending love from afar xxx
Hey Mrs. D! I think you’re pretty bloody awesome too, my friend. I actually think about your post where you write about “feeling your way through it” quite often. I forget sometimes how sucky it is too feel all the tough feelings, but I am sooooo glad I don’t turn to alcohol to numb out anymore. The only way to out is through….. We gotta feel it, right? Love you too, hope your Masters work is going well, going to catch up on your blog tonight or tomorrow!
Was listening to this when I read your post and the comments, seems appropriate to share.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0k_LkmNInU
Oooooh that’s PERFECT P-Street! Thank you!
Al Green could sing the phone book and I would buy the cd. (Speaking of which… The cd that video is from looks awesome–”Let’s Stay Together” is a favorite and I never knew he sang “I Can’t Get Next to You”, but I like his funky version. I may have to check out disc, thanks for the inspiration!)
My. My. My. Whew.
Thanks for checking in! It’s good to hear you’re feeling a little sunnier. Still, with all that’s going on you didn’t drink over it, so you’ve handled the recent difficulties with more aplomb than many in your running shoes!
“Aplomb”… Now that’s a cool word, I like!
Yeah, every day that we choose not to drink is a very awesome day indeed, no matter what other stuff we have to deal with.
Thanks so much for the comment!
Mostly, I’m glad to hear you’re keeping on with the fight, and not just giving up.
I bet your little girl appreciates the time she’s getting, and I hope you’re sharing the baked goods with people you love.
Oh yes, Guap, I have been fattening up all my neighbors one cookie at a time. Most recently with oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
Been so wrapped in my own re-entry into the blog world that i have only read this now. So sorry about your darling Spot. I have been there with my darling dog years ago. I hope the sun comes out and life starts to feel better soon. And in the midst of all what you are going through you fould ftime to write to me – you really are a darling and deserve the very best in the world.
Cxx
Hi Cleo,
Thanks for your sweet comment, I truly am glad to see you back. I meant what I said many months ago about being friends! But I also know a thing or two about insecurity and fear and second chances. Just know you’re loved, no matter what, and I’m here for you if you need me.
I’m happy that it has been a very sunny weekend–literally and figuratively–especially when I saw your posting. I hope the sunny days continue, but I am maxing them out while I can!
Love,
Christy
Aww, all the best, Christy– when you said ‘reality’ last time I couldn’t have guessed what you meant about Spot! I hope Spot is on the mend and the sun has come out in full force! And might I just say well done on your good habits: baking pies and cookies from scratch (even if you feel like you have your head in the sand– we all need to cope with these things somehow) is worlds better than turning to the bottle. Congratulations.
Thank you also for the shout out and your equally sweet words. You’re such a sweetheart!
Best until next time…wishing you warm sun and good health for you and Spot!
P.S. I like “cautiously optimistic”. Very down to earth.
Thank you so much Julie. We’ve been soaking up as much sun as possible.
I need to take your previous suggestion and turn to the punching bag and kickboxing though. All these baked goods are scrumptious, but going straight to my waistline! But true, still far far better than drinking…
Thank you for such a sweet comment. xoxo
After having nursed my beloved cat Pickles through many serious illnesses, I know what this is like. It’s so heartbreaking to see your baby suffering. Big hugs to you and Spot, I’m glad you’re both hanging in there.
Big hugs back, Mme. I know we are both alike in our love for animals. It’s so hard when they are totally dependent upon us to act in their best interests and you can just tell they feel like crud.
We’ve had a few really great days! Today Spot was “healthy” enough to get “Week 2″ of chemo and to start back on the prednisone. Fingers crossed for more sunny days–hopefully the icky stuff was just a GI bug.
PS- I’ve started studying Reiki for her. She is enjoying being a “guinea pig” while I’m learning.
Christy, I thought I was following you yet I don’t get alerts so I clicked the follow button again. My pups are my kids so I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I’m glad you’re beginning to see the sunshine. I so hope it continues to shine for you and good vibes, thoughts, prayers your way and to Spot.
Hi Brigitte! I was just listening to your Pink Floyd song–what a gem!
Thanks a million for your thoughts, I appreciate them.
I know WordPress has been working out a couple of little bugs, so no worries at all. I took a little hiatus too, so it’s nice to be back. Have a wonderful day!
You have a great day too! I know — that Pink Floyd song — one of my all-time favorites.
Sending prayers for your dog. My dogs mean the world to me, so I understand your heartbreak completely. Hugs your way!
Thank you so much for the prayers and hugs! I appreciate the comment, sobergirl. Have a great weekend!
The donkeys are going to bring you some sunshine
I believe it! I think that’s one of the reasons we’ve had such a great week. They’re very sweet and have given us lots of smiles and laughs already. I can’t wait to write about them (I’m trying to get some good pictures!)
Looking forward to all your upcoming stories, photos and video.
Read this and went looking for a photo of Spot when I ran into Coco and Ginger and madam Moo. Couldn’t find Spot. Is there a link you could post for me? I’m a tech ditz and probably walked right by it. My dogs are our kids and boy do I hear you about your fury family. So glad that the sun has returned and you guys are both better. Got all my digits crossed it continued. I’m in your corner and really like reading what you have to say. A lot. Big cyber hug to you. Paulette (mom of Max & Bella-fur babies)
Here ya go Paulette! I was a bit upset when I wrote it–I think I cussed a couple of times. I apologize in advance if it offends. (I rarely cuss on my blog, but every once in while I do for emphasis or emotion.)
http://runningonsober.com/2013/01/29/preparing-myself-for-the-probability-of-cancer/
OMG, I love her. She’s gorgeous. I know I know I know how it is. Joining your doggie support team here. As for swearing…please! Are you kidding me? I worked and taught in the second busiest ER in LA county with the highest census of child abuse. I have heard it and used it all and I don’t easily take offense, not about stuff like that. Thanks so much for the link. Give your girl a rubbie from Auntie Paw (a nickname = paw wet. my hubby’s bosses daughter couldn’t pronounce Paulette and that’s what came out.)
Auntie Paw… I love that! I’ll be sure to spoil her for you!
Ooh I bet you have seen and heard it all working in an ER. That takes a special person for sure. You’re very fascinating!
Sent from my iPhone
Thanks, but I don’t know about special or fascinating. Get to know me better, lol. I’m just like every other one of us struggling humans, ever changing and dealing with stuff. I did really love ER work, though. It suited my then hyper typeA personality. Have a great day, kiddo and don’t forget my cyber home is always open to you if you need a friend. Auntie Paw