My last post, I shared Stephen Fry’s letter in which he encouraged a bummed out girl not to despair, “it will be sunny one day.”
I’ve spent the last almost-three-weeks (geez, has it been that long!?) waiting for the sun to come out. It’s been rough you guys. Spot should have had three chemo treatments by now. She’s had one. After her first treatment, her white blood cell count was too low the following week to do her second treatment. The vet assured us this was normal and that we could wait until the next week to do her second treatment. But then Spot got sick with horrible stomach and digestive issues–without going into graphic detail, suffice it to say nothing would stay down or in, if we could get her to eat or drink at all. We’re not sure if it’s delayed response to the first chemo drug (Vincristine) or to the Prednisone steroids or even to a bacterial infection. We had to postpone chemo again because, as the vet informed me, “we can’t give chemo to a sick dog.” Ugh, I know, I know… But in the back of my mind I keep hearing the clock tick down, every second, tick, tick, tick, tick, keeping us away from life-extending chemo.
It’s hard to feel so helpless. I hate it. I feel myself slipping back into caregiver mode, neglecting myself and most of the world around me while I focus single-minded on my little girl’s health and care. I can control my surroundings (to a degree), but I can’t control her health, no matter how I am trying. You’d think I would have learned this with my mom’s passing, but it’s those feelings that made drinking my then, not now, go-to escape.
Instead now I’ve had a short-fuse, I’ve been arguing with my husband, I’ve been neglecting friends, I’ve been zoning out playing Bejeweled on my phone, I haven’t posted on my blog or Facebook, I’m isolating, I’ve been baking cookies and even making pies–from scratch no less! I know I have my head in the sand… I see it, I do, at least I know what I’m doing. I think those are just my coping mechanisms while I wait for the sun to come back out.
The good news is, the past few days have felt sunnier. Spot is acting like her old self and feeling much better. I’ve been sleeping better. I’ve gone for a few runs. I’m eating healthier. I’m not as foggy. I don’t feel as depressed. I’m thinking about blog topics. As I wrote to a friend, “I am cautiously optimistic.”
(And let me just say thank-you to everyone for not saying to me, “but she’s just a dog!”, because she’s not “just a dog” to me. She’s a family member, a best friend, and the closest thing to a child I am likely to ever have. If you get it, you get it; if you don’t, that’s okay–but thank you for not saying I’m crazy.)
A big thank you to my new followers; I’m really glad you found me! I usually try to stop by and comment on new followers’ blogs, but, yep, I’ve had my head in the sand. I’ll try to stop by to say hi soon.
Thank you Julie Israel at The Read Room for nominating me for The Reality Award. Julie runs a fantastic blog “for readers, writers and word-a-holics” and I love that she is sweet, funny, REAL, and a true writer’s writer. Check out her site and say hi for me!
And thank you to my friends who have emailed me to see how I’m doing. I really appreciate and love you guys.
Hey, whatdoyaknow? Is that the sun out there? It sure the heck looks like the sun to me… I guess that’s what happens when you take your head out of the sand for a few minutes to look around. You start seeing all these things you’ve missed. Including the sun.
(I love The Beatles’ original, but it’s virtually impossible to listen to Richie’s version–complete with congas!–without tapping your foot along. Love his live interpretation of this classic song. Video link to “Here Comes the Sun” by Richie Havens HERE for my email followers.)
So…. how are you? Is it sunny where you are today? I hope so. If it’s not, just remember, “it will be sunny one day.”