Tag Archives: Recovery

Scattered, Smothered and Covered (My blog’s theme?)

I recently read a post on Carrie Rubin’s blog in which she mentioned that she usually doesn’t write or share something if it doesn’t fit with her blog’s “tone.” Soon after, I read a post on Madame Weebles’ blog that she doesn’t really have a theme or a “hook,” instead she prefers just “winging it.”

It got me thinking… Do I have a tone? A hook? A theme?

My blog is often a reflection of my life–a little bit scattered–smothered and covered–and rambly with a few recurring themes that somehow all link together at the end of the day, often via the strangest means, sometimes even via my love of bacon and monkeys.

I write about sobriety, though I wouldn’t call myself a full-fledged “sober blogger,” because I write about other stuff too. At two years sober, quite honestly, I don’t even think about sobriety every single day. Sobriety is just part of my life now, ingrained in me, like someone who has received a new heart or kidney via transplant–it’s part of me, and I need it to survive. I would get bored if I wrote about it every single day. I would get bored writing about anything every single day. But I do love reading sober blogs–they help me remember where I came from, and they give me a chance to support others in their sobriety.

I’ve had a handful of new followers lately, and I think a few of you might even be real people (as opposed to the proliferation of spam and business website followers). A couple of you may even be new to this whole sobriety deal, maybe taking part of the 100 day challenge of no drinking (curious? take a look at Belle’s blog HERE), and if so, yay!, congratulations! I will support you any way I can. Feel free to ask anything and comment freely on any post and check out my blogroll of other sober bloggers too.

While I don’t write about sobriety every day, I do write about living life sober–dealing with life’s ups and downs without drinking over any of the good stuff or bad stuff, even though there’s lots of temptation along the way (holidays, getting nitrous at the dentist, bad days, cravings, anger, your dog getting cancer, grief and depression, and more).

I love that I have blog friends and followers who don’t battle addiction. You show us “sober” folks that we’re not the weird, crazy outcasts that we often feel we are. Well, maybe we are weird and crazy, but you don’t care because you’re crazy too. We’re all a little crazy in our own ways. I think by focusing on those things we have in common, we can all learn a little from each other along the way. Plus, I know addiction touches many lives. Many of you have family or friends that battle, or have battled, addictions. More people can relate to addiction than not. While I know the word “sober” repels many folks from checking out my blog–their loss, right?–it just shows me the people who are here are pretty awesome.

Music, running, bacon, my zoo, and grieving my mom’s loss are all key themes too. I also share a “Words for the Weekend” post most weekends of music, quotes and poetry and other people’s works. It started whimsically, on a quiet weekend, when I was craving some inspiration. I’ve kept doing them because they inspire some of you too, they’re fun to do, and, hey, I love any opportunity to share music.

When I began blogging in April 2012, my theme was a bit wanderlust, “I don’t know where I’m running, I’m just running on…” I still don’t know where I’m running, but I am still going.

I’m still going, because life itself goes on.

Life goes on.

Maybe that’s my overriding theme? An awareness of passing time… Life goes on… No matter what happens–good, bad, or ugly–it goes on. And it will still go on without me, without you. Time stops for no one. Tick, tick, tick, each moment passes, and each is a moment we will never again have. How shall we spend those few precious moments while we are here?

Life goes on.

Life even geos on.

photo: Per Englund from book Life Geos On

Life Geos On
photo: Per Englund from book Life Geos On

I may be making some little changes to my blog format in the coming weeks. Adding some color, sprucing things up… but not too much, clutter stresses me out, and I am not exactly crazy about change. But I evolve (life goes on…) I’m even thinking about sharing more poetry and prose, and breaking out of my writing comfort zone a bit. I hope you’ll hang in there with me.

Oh, bonus points if you know where the scattered, smothered and covered reference comes from. And no, I don’t mean Hootie and the Blowfish, though they do a cool version of Tom Waits’ “I Hope That I Don’t Fall in Love With You.” (Waits original HERE)

Do you have a theme for your blog (or for your life)? Or do you prefer “winging it?” Do you like hash browns and Tom Waits? Any changes you’d like to see to my blog? Any thing I’d better not change? I’d love to hear from you! 

Addiction: A Family Affair

Reblogged from Black Box Warnings:

Click to visit the original post
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I want to thank Eric for giving me the opportunity to write my brother's story. In doing so, I have a better understanding of his ordeal and his road to recovery. I want to thank my brother Tom for sharing his story with me. His hope is that it will help others fighting addiction.

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 If there is evil in this world, it is crystal meth.

Read more… 1,736 more words

Join me in congratulating Amy's brother Tom on one year of sobriety and clean time! Amy shares, from a sister's perspective, Tom's powerful story of addiction to crystal meth and how addiction impacts everyone in its path. She also shares that there is hope, and that helping others may be one of the things that makes a difference in long-term recovery. Huge congrats on your one year milestone, Tom! You're an inspiration! ~ Christy

Preparing Myself For the Probability of Cancer

“You need to start preparing yourself for the probability of cancer.”

One week ago I heard those words in a small, stuffy, spinning veterinarian exam room.

One week ago my stomach lurched into my throat–and hasn’t budged since.

One week ago I started crying at the drop of a  hat.

One week ago I started giving my dog Cipro twice a day–just in case she has a rare liver infection that is causing the swollen lymph nodes I felt under her chin while I was routinely petting her one evening.

One week ago I started googling lymphoma in dogs.

One week ago I learned that there is no cure for canine lymphoma. Untreated, a dog may live sixty days. Treated with chemotherapy, she has good odds to live twelve to fourteen months, but has only a twenty percent chance of living two years.

One week ago I wondered why the hell I made a vet appointment on a Tuesday? I hate Tuesdays. Bad news happens on Tuesdays. Cancer diagnoses happen on Tuesdays.

One week ago I sat alone in my bedroom eating leftover Christmas candy, piece after chocolatey piece, consciously throwing my “No-Sugar January” out the window. I wanted to numb the pain. I wanted to forget the world. I wanted to feel anything other than what I was feeling.

One week ago I felt the same feelings I’d had when I learned my aunt and my mom were both diagnosed with cancer.

One week ago I started preparing myself for the probability that my sweet little furry baby has cancer.

It’s been a hell of a week.

I haven’t drank. Though I’ve wanted to. If I’d had booze in the house instead of chocolate, who knows what would’ve happened. They were the same feelings when I saw the chocolate in the pantry, as I’d had when I gave into past drinking temptations. Same-exact-”fuck-it, kill the pain” feelings.

Next steps are a biopsy on Friday to confirm diagnosis. Antibiotics haven’t reduced any nodes’ swelling. I’m hopeful for a miracle, but not expectant. Decisions will need to be made; my gut says, “fight it, fight it!”, but I know there are many factors to weigh. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Today, I am still preparing myself.

I’ve been wondering where to take this blog–do I focus on sobriety? On quotes? On running? On new recipes I’m trying? Do I even continue blogging this year? I really wanted to be done writing about cancer and grief and fear and learning to live again. But we don’t always get what we want, do we?

I guess I’ll answer those questions too when it’s time.

Today though I am still preparing. God, how do you ever fucking get used to cancer??? Sometimes life isn’t very fair.

But I won’t live in denial. Not anymore. I’ll make it through today without drinking, and hopefully I’ll make it through tomorrow too.

I doubt I’ll be writing much, at least not on a regular schedule. I’m going to try to maximize as much time as I can with my little girl. To my fellow blogging friends, thank you for your posts–I read them via email and enjoy your words with my morning coffee.

I have a cute little dog looking at me with expectant eyes waiting for her afternoon walk. So I guess I’ll go for a walk and love on my girl and soak up every smile and tail wag and funny expression and happy moment that I can.

Cancer has taken so much from me. I’ll be damned if I let it take away today.

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I Am Full of Insatiable Hope for 2013 (and an updated contact and resources page)

I’m a sucker for stuff like this (Google’s year-end video):

I’ve read and heard how so many of us are saying good riddance to 2012, but when I see videos like the one above, I’m reminded yet again of what a pretty awesome world we live in. (Don’t you love the polar bear at 2:22? Awwwww!)

2012, a leap year, was made up of 366 days that are now gone from our lives. We’ll never have those days or that time again. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want to waste anymore of my days or squander time or spend my life living in the past when I have no way of knowing how much time I’ll have in the future. I’ve done enough of that. I’m ready to live.

I hope that everyone reading this is fortunate enough to live — truly live, not just exist – and to fully experience each of 2013′s 365 days. I hope they find you happy, healthy, kind and grateful.

I recently told a friend, “I am still full of insatiable hope.”

Insatiable… isn’t that a great word?

And it’s true, I am. Insatiable. I’m very very excited about 2013… Hopeful, optimistic, encouraged. I have a few key areas of my life I plan to focus on, and I look forward to using this blog as a way of capturing and sharing the highs and the lows of the coming year. Don’t worry, I’m working on that post now for later this week. While I’ve enjoyed my mini-hiatus, I’m excited about writing and running and searching and sharing with you.

* I recently updated my “Contact and Resources” page. If you would like to e-mail me for any reason, you’ll find my info there. And if you are starting this year a little less hopeful and excited than I, and you need some help from someone but you don’t know where to turn, I have a full listing of help and contact numbers and resources. Or if you are excited about getting sober or clean, you’ll find some links and info there too. (Don’t forget I keep a “Recovery Blogroll” of other great sober bloggers–many of whom focus primarily on sobriety in their writing. We all have our own styles and focuses, so check a few out if you are sober or working on it.)

I hope you all enjoy this first day of 2013! To my sober friends, isn’t it nice to not be hung over today?! To my non-sober friends, (in my whispered tone), been there done that haha, drink lots of water today and pop a few Advil and read this from lifehacker.

Good luck to my Georgia Bulldogs who play Nebraska in the Capital One Bowl today. Go Dawgs! Sic ‘em! Woof, woof, woof! (Yeah, it’s a Georgia thing. :) )

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Waking up this morning, I smile,
Twenty four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.  Thich Nhat Hanh

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It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up – that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.  Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

***

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt, crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can,
tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely,
with too high a spirit to be cumbered
with your old nonsense.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Cravings. Still. (“Are you so strong, or is all the weakness in me?”)

On Thursday, I will have 19 months of sobriety. You’d think by this point that I’d be “cured” and that the last thing in the world I would want is a drink.

You’d be wrong.

I have been plagued by casual little out-of-the-blue thoughts about drinking lately. One thought will start with “Wouldn’t a glass of wine taste good right now?” Another will come with, “Man, that beer looks good, I haven’t had one in ages.” And yet another will pop into my head later on, “Remember that feeling of ‘ahhhh…’ Wouldn’t that be nice?”

I don’t know if it’s this time of year, I don’t know if it’s stress. There’s a saying in recovery, watch out for HALT- don’t let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. But I don’t really feel any of those feelings too overwhelmingly.

I don’t feel like I’m in any danger of drinking, but these feelings are totally irrational; they seem to come out of nowhere. I recognize how crazy the thoughts are, I know how fucked up my life was when I drank, I know how good things are now, I know one drink never did anything for me except make me want ten more. I can write a stupid book on gratitude and mindfulness and why I don’t need to drink, ever.

I wish it weren’t so, but some days I just really miss drinking. The thought of never having another drink again, never feeling that warmth, that relaxation, that buzz, well it just makes me sad. And then it makes me angry. And then I get mad at myself for even thinking about drinking in the first place. And then I start to feel weak- and I hate feeling weak.

And then I remind myself that any question that I had about maybe not being an alcoholic is just wishful thinking.

Could I have one night in where I drank and nothing bad happened? Maybe. Possibly. It would be like playing Russian Roulette though. And I don’t want to take that risk. There are plenty of days I don’t drink because of all the things that I have gained from sobriety and because of how my life is so much better now. But there are some days that I don’t drink simply because I don’t want the negative consequences. I don’t want to screw up my marriage. I don’t want to start arguments. I don’t want to start down that slippery slope. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. I don’t want to end up in jail, in the hospital, or dead.

There are plenty of days I am grateful for what I have.

Today I am grateful for what I don’t have.

I just wish I didn’t have these damn cravings.

A wise friend reminded me in an email that these cravings, these crazy random thoughts, can be good things though:

These threats remind us how powerful this disease can be, how sneaky and insidious. I worry about the day when I might think how nice it would be to drink without immediately thinking “WTF?” because that apparently happens to some people who reach an otherwise “safe” place in recovery. We are never safe, so what you’re experiencing sounds normal as long as you get it out there and don’t keep it inside where it might go bad.

So this is me getting it out there. I don’t want to keep it inside. I don’t want it to go bad. I don’t want to drink, not really, not at my core. I don’t want these thoughts and cravings, but at least I am still able to think “WTF?” when I have them. I don’t ever want to get to a point where those thoughts are okay and perfectly reasonable to me.

I know a couple of you are feeling the pangs too (Sherry, Mrs D.); are these feelings wide-spread this time of year? What are some things you do to combat them? Is it a weakness, a blessing, or just normal for us to feel them?

~

Song “The Weakness in Me” performed by Melissa Etheridge, video here, lyrics here. (Originally performed by Joan Armatrading, video here, album available here.) In my strange way, I can picture myself singing this about my drinking cravings, “Why do you come here, when you know I’ve troubles enough?”

Why do you come here
When you know I’ve got troubles enough
Why do you call me
When you know I can’t answer the phone

Make me lie
When I don’t want to
And make someone else
Some kind of an unknowing fool

You make me stay
When I should not
Are you so strong
Or is all the weakness in me

 

Sobriety During the Holidays (a Shared Post With “October O Nine”)

The holidays can be a time of major stress for the calmest of us. It’s a given then that holidays can be even more anxiety-provoking for those of us in recovery. My intent was to write a post about this stress and how to best handle it without being triggered to drink, but my dear blogging friend October O Nine already did so. With her permission (thank-you!) I am sharing her post at the bottom of this message.

To my sober or recovering friends, remember it’s okay to step away from a stressful situation. It’s okay to take a breather. It’s okay, and it is crucial, if you need to do so to maintain your sobriety.

Mark Twain once said, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

I change this around during trigger situations when I need a time-out to: “It is better to be thought rude and sober than to be undoubtedly rude and drunk.” My sobriety has to come first. It’s not rude. It’s not selfish. It is life-saving. If I do not put my sobriety first, then nothing at all can come second.

For my friends outside of recovery, if you are hosting a holiday event, please give a thought to those guests who may not be drinking for any variety of reasons. Please understand if a guest needs a quiet moment on the porch or in the other room. Please offer a few fun non-alcoholic beverage options other than water: sparkling waters, teas, coffee, fun fruity sodas and juices are just a few ideas. And if someone declines a drink, please do not continually offer or make silly jokes as to why someone is not drinking. Your efforts and support will be noticed and appreciated!

Do you have any tips for maintaining your sobriety or minimizing stress during the holidays? Do you have a favorite non-alcoholic beverage?

(Have an exit strategy; bring your own car if possible, don’t be dependent on another if you need to extract yourself from a stressful situation. Bring your own fancy n/a beverage. The bathroom makes an excellent escape room! Have at least one person who knows that you are not drinking; give them a nod or a look if you are “having a moment.” * My favorite drinks are rooibos red tea and Perrier sparkling water.)

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Please enjoy October O Nine’s post, “Caution! Earth People Ahead!” Stop by her blog sometime; she is an amazing lady, a talented writer and I am so grateful to have her as a friend in sobriety.  I thank her again for allowing me to share her work with you all.

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Caution! Earth People Ahead! (BY OCTOBER O NINE)

Thanksgiving is coming up next week. I always like to repost something I wrote back in 2010 on my second sober Thanksgiving in memory of my first so I can share my lessons learned from that first holiday with my readers who are new to sobriety! XO
~

This is my second sober Thanksgiving, and I am so much calmer about the impending scene which will play out in a few hours. I got sober in October of last year so I was shaking in boots anticipating what the hell I was going to do when I got to my parents’ house.

Historically, I would walk in the door, my children would make a run for my father’s Lionel train set in the basement and I would head for the kitchen to get down to the important business of fixing a drink and mowing down snacks. I could hang around the kitchen for hours with the family and relatives and endure any unpleasant comments or annoying barbs because I had my iron shield: booze. I don’t even think half the stuff even registered. In my mind, it was a great time and lots of laughs. If I could drink, I could allow and put up with anything.

Last year, my plan was to bypass the kitchen and follow the kids into the basement. I started off there and then slowly wandered upstairs, peeping around the corner, cautiously stepping into the Earth People Zone. There I found people who were already tipsy. It was a tough room. A passive aggressive comment here, and plain old aggressive jab there. Later, my mother, delivered the verbal equivalent of the Karate Kid Crane Kick to my husband when she stated that she thinks my son is a genius and obviously got it from HER side of the family. I quickly said, “She’s kidding, she’s kidding, right Mom? You are kidding,” to which she emphatically replied, “No, I’m not.” My husband is still smoldering about it.

Anyway, I know this year that the kitchen area, otherwise known as the drinking arena, is not a safe place for me. We are told in recovery to protect our sobriety by changing our people, places, things, but on days like today, we don’t have a lot of options. We need to change people, places, things on a smaller, more precise scale. Drinkers are in the kitchen? Spend most of your time in another room or outside taking a walk. Peek your head in sporadically to make an appearance, if you must, but then retreat. Drinkers are the adults? Be the stellar aunt and play with all of the children in a different room (the drunken parents will think you walk on water for removing their children from their work (drinking) area, I know I used to!). The snacks are located in the same room as the drinkers? Fix a platter for yourself (“oh this is for kids”) and leave the area. Remember that every day is OUR day in recovery. We now celebrate everyday and we purge our fears, anger and sadness daily to our sober sisters and live happy, joyous and free. Most Earth People don’t; they swallow their anger, bury their fears and suppress their sadness, telling themselves that soon it will be the holiday, they will have their food, family and drinks around them for the day and everything will be alright in the world. But today’s expectations are tomorrow’s resentments and they will be into the drinks and that anger, fear and sadness will start to bubble to the surface and whoever is present is going to bear the brunt.

If this is your first sober Thanksgiving, protect your sobriety. Remember it is better to understand than to be understood. People don’t understand why you are not drinking? F `em. Don’t feel the need to explain yourself; don’t feel the obsession to be understood. Instead, understand why they do what they do, say what they say, feel what they feel (when they choose to let themselves feel). Whatever you do, don’t drink over it. And don’t feel envious of them. In most cases, their insides do not match their outsides, as much as they work to make you believe that they do!

Peace and Joy on this sober Thanksgiving.

Note:  Last year was my third sober Thanksgiving and I was right there in the Earth People Zone.  It was no longer an issue or a big deal. 

Dear Someone Who Decided To Stop Drinking:

Reblogged from Lisa McColgan:

Congratulations. What you've just decided to do for yourself is huge.

It's also scary. I know this. I have been where you are. It's a lover who has turned on you, but you have become so used to having it around that its abrupt removal from the picture is nothing short of terrifying. Despite its abusiveness, despite its empty promises and all the problems it has heaped upon you, you miss it with a desperation that borders on pathology.

Read more… 895 more words

Brilliant post from a blog I've just discovered! It's my pleasure to share. "You’ll learn about being in the moment. When you are sad, you won’t drink to make yourself feel better. When you are happy, you won’t drink to make yourself happier. You’ll come to understand that “this too shall pass” goes BOTH ways, and to therefore feel your feelings..."

Nitrous, Triggers, Negatives and Armatrading

I cannot believe I am about to write this, but here goes nothing.

I went to the dentist yesterday, and I loved it! What worries me, is the fact that maybe I enjoyed it a little too much. You see, I recently discovered nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas). How did I miss the boat on this one growing up?! If I had known the joys of laughing gas, I would have been begging to go to the dentist more often. It started the first time I visited my new dentist, shortly after I quit drinking. I was very nervous, and she kindly asked if I’d like some nitrous to take the edge off.

“Is it going to make me laugh hysterically?” I asked, “how in the world will you be able to work if I’m busy laughing?”

“Oh no, it’ll just relax you and help you feel less anxious. It’s very popular.”

Well, duh. Since you put it that way, yes please. How come no one ever put it that way to me before? I’d lived my life 30+ years without ever having known the joy of nitrous. (Well, there was that “one time back in band camp” and balloons, but I digress…) I am debating sharing how it made me feel, because I don’t want to glamorize it, but man… that’s the feeling I chased when I drank. That “okay… everything’s cool… I’ll just sit here and float and not worry about anything… The dog just ate my favorite shoe? I don’t care… No more cookie dough in the house? It’s cool… Mom’s cancer is back? Oh that’s nice… Let me just float some more…”

Nitrous makes me feel all floaty like soft fluffy clouds…

When I went to my dentist appointment yesterday, they set me up in a room I had not been in before. As I initialed some forms, I said that of course I was going to want the nitrous again. The tech looked at me and said, “uh, okay, well we don’t have it set up in this room. We would have to move you to another room.”

Moment of key decision

I could have said, “well that’s okay, it’s just a small filling and I guess I’ll be okay if you just hold my hand instead.” I have a high pain tolerance. I quit drinking, and I can run 20 friggen miles! I can do anything! Surely, I can handle a few minutes of drilling. And yes, I knew I could handle it. I handled it for 30+ years without nitrous. But then the voices started talking in my head: “But you LOVE nitrous. It feels SOOOOO good. You can feel all FLOATY. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, what do you do? You little goody-two-shoes… (Adam Ant, anyone?) Get the nitrous! Stand your ground! You’re the patient, you shouldn’t feel bad about switching rooms and creating extra work for them, you certainly pay them enough! You can’t back down, don’t let them step on you, grow a back bone. Assert yourself woman! Besides, you’re at the freaking dentist… “F” IT, YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD!”

And so I changed rooms. And I got my nitrous. And I floated. And they could have done root canals on all of my teeth and I wouldn’t have given a flip. I would have handed over my credit card and said, “do whatever you need to do.”

No big deal right? I got my work done, I went home, life goes on.

But yeahhhh… for me, it is a big deal. Because that’s how my brain talked to me when I wanted to drink. Bad scary situation. Nervous thoughts. Instant solution. Pleasure sensor kicked. Want more more more.

Left to my own devices, I would never have turned the gas off. I would’ve floated forever.

And that scares me.

No, I’m not going to go all crazy and stockpile whipped cream or anything, but I do recognize that voice in my head. And at that moment when I had a choice between dealing with a little discomfort or escaping with nitrous, I chose to escape.

I have another dental appointment after my marathon for another small piece of work. I think I’m going to try it without the nitrous next time. At least that’s the plan. I recognize my thinking and my desires as the same addiction cycle I am working to break. It doesn’t apply to alcohol only. Sobriety really is a way of life and each day I have to make choices that move me toward healthy sobriety or away from healthy sobriety. I do not DESERVE nitrous. Nitrous is not a reward. Alcohol is not a reward. Ambien is not a reward. Food is not a reward. Dessert after a run is not a reward. Healthy living and positive choices and doing the next right thing and skillful karma and having a clear conscience at the end of the day are my rewards.

*

Al posted an excellent piece on triggers (what they are, what some of his are) and raises the next question of “how do we deal with them?” For my friends in recovery or dealing with addict-behavior, be sure to check out Al’s piece HERE and share your thoughts.

*

And some good news! I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago to have some blood work done. I had been fighting thrush and fatigue (remember the complaints and cookie dough incident?), so doc wanted to check for diabetes. The great news came back this week: NEGATIVE. How positive is that?! Cookies are on the house! (no wait, I was kidding, step away from the ladder…) Thank you to everyone who kept me in your thoughts and prayers, I really appreciate you! I think I’ve just been tired from training so much. And I’ve been fighting some insomnia, so if you’ve had any middle-of-the-night what-the-hell-is-she-trying-to-say comments, that’s just me keeping my 2AM vigil. This too shall pass.

*

I’ve not been able to get the music of Joan Armatrading out of my mind. She’s like a warm cozy blanket that makes your heart feel all tingly and cuddly. Who needs nitrous when you have Joan? My friend Susan said that Joan reminded her of Tracy Chapman, so enjoy a couple of her duets as well.

*

I owe ya’ll some running tunes and a running recap. I haven’t forgotten. I’m in taper mode now, so some of the extra time not running I will devote to writing. Or to chasing butterflies or counting sheep or hopefully even sleeping. You never know with me. Have a great day/night everyone!

Have any thoughts on Nitrous/Laughing Gas? Have you ever had to give up anything because you liked it way too much? How do you like Joan and Tracy? How are you today? (And please share your thoughts on triggers and handling them over at Al’s page- he has some great stuff going on already there- join in!)

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Down to Zero, Joan Armatrading (I remember first hearing this on an episode of “Homicide, Life in the Streets” like years ago. Funny how some songs stay with us.)

Ain’t No Sunshine, Tracy Chapman and Buddy Guy

Love and Affection, Joan Armatrading

Weakness in Me, Joan Armatrading

The Thrill is Gone, Tracy Chapman and B.B. King

The Choices You Make Might Be Mistakes But- (Jonny Lang’s “Turn Around”)

I first shared one of Jonny Lang’s songs “Walking Away” on my blog here and talked about how it was a powerful goodbye song, specifically a “goodbye-to-alcohol” type of song for me. It still gets a handful of views, as I guess everyone can relate to having to walk away from something or someone at some point in their lives. Or maybe there are just a lot of Lang fans out there; the search term “Jonny Lang sober” shows up quite often. It’s probably a combination of both.

From Atlanta Music Guide (interview here). Jonny is asked 15 questions including, “How do you feel about tequila?”
He replied, “Every time I drink tequila I make bad choices… tequila is not a loyal friend… in fact, tequila is a horrible friend.”

I had mentioned that Lang is in recovery from drugs and alcohol, but I later found an article where he discusses the way his life was before and what happened (God happened) to change his path. It’s really an amazing story regardless of your beliefs. If you’re a Lang fan, definitely check it out HERE. In the article, Lang says this of his past:

By the time I was 17, I was an alcoholic and smoking two packs a day. I also started doing drugs. It was mostly marijuana, but there were other drugs as well. In my position, anything I wanted was just handed to me. I used cocaine, ecstasy, and hallucinogens. I really loved to be high. It got to be such a problem, that if I wasn’t high I didn’t feel normal.

Later in the article he shares that he was “delivered of all the addictions inside [him],” discussing how that happened, and what life is like after beating his addictions.

After Lang changed his path, he put out an album “Turn Around” in 2006. I had not found my way to recovery then, I hadn’t even really come close to reaching my turning point, so the album and its lyrics didn’t speak much to me at the time of my first listens. But when I was newly sober I pulled it out again and, I gotta tell you, I felt it. I think we don’t really grasp a message or a lesson until we are ready for it or until we have a slight foundation on which we can build. But when we are ready, we can turn around. No matter the choices we’ve made, no matter how old or how young we are, as long as we’re still breathing, there is always still time to change. We can always make the next right decision.

Jonny discusses his album “Turn Around,” his upbringing, his influences, meeting and playing with BB King, and what now inspires his craft in this short video. And in this written interview he goes into a bit more detail for individual songs from the album.

This is his “seriously crazy-possessed with something kick-ass other-worldly” live version of “Turn Around.” I sat with my mouth agape watching and listening, and at the end, all I could say is, “You have got to be kidding me!!! Wow!!!” Yes friends, it’s THAT good.

“Turn Around” by Jonny Lang

I was a young man in a hurry
I didn’t stop to think
The next thing I knew
I was in trouble, deep trouble

Then I remember what aunt Linda
Used to tell me back in the day
The words that she said
Are still in my head, she said

“The choices you make might be mistakes
But it’s never too late to turn around, turn around
The road that you take might lead you astray
But don’t be afraid to turn around, turn around”

I knew a young man named…
He went and lost his way
Now he’s in prison, cold prison
No chance for escape

They gave him new clothes
And a Bible and the word he did read
Out loud of four walls can’t keep him because
Trial is free, singing

The choices you make might be mistakes
Oh it’s never too late to turn around, turn around
Oh the road that you take might lead you astray
Don’t be afraid to turn around, turn around, turn around

You might be in trouble
You might be running but
But it’s never too late to turn around, yeah

‘Cause as long as you’re still breathing
There’ll always be another time to make the right decision
Before you die because

The choices you make might be mistakes
But it’s never too late to turn around, turn around
Oh the road that you take might lead you astray
But don’t be afraid to turn around, turn around

Oh the choices, oh the choices you make might be mistakes
But it’s never too late to turn around, turn around
Oh the road, oh the road that you take might lead you astray
My friend don’t be afraid to turn around, turn around
To turn around yeah

Lyrics source

The live version above of “Turn Around” is so good, but he does leave out many of the song’s original lyrics. If you were moved by the lyrics, and you would like to listen to the studio version, here you go; you may listen here. (It’s a more upbeat, clap-your-hands, take-you-to-church version.)

I hope you enjoyed this piece. I may try to do similar pieces in the future on sober artists. Maybe I’ll tackle Tom Waits next, that should be fun!

It’s Like a Win-Win For Everyone (Thank You *All* For Inspiring Me)

When my blogging friend Porkchop nominated me for The One Lovely Blog Award and The Inspiring Blog Award last week, I really was touched. She had written a beautiful post about her relationship with her mom and about their efforts to both get and stay sober (read it here), so beautiful that it made me cry. When I complimented her on it, she mentioned she had been inspired in part to write it after reading my “Henry Rollins Had Me Pegged” piece. The thought that my high school angst had played a small part in inspiring someone else to share such moving intimate thoughts about her relationship with her mom, man, that was just really special. And then she went along a little later and nominated me for a couple of awards?! Wow. Even more special.

I admit it, I love hearing that I inspire others. It’s not so much that it makes me feel good; it does, but it’s mostly that I am happy that the other person feels inspired and encouraged to do something to make an impact. Whether it is to write, to start running, to call a mom and say “I love you,” to feel comfortable enough to declare one’s sobriety or clean date, to eat mindfully, to smile, to not drink today, to leave that very first daunting comment on a public blog, to eat bacon pizza… Any of those things make a positive mark on you, on me, and on those around you. It’s a small way for us all to pay it forward, because when we inspire someone, they are in turn inspired to do the same. It’s like a win-win for everyone.

So I hope you understand when I tell you that you ALL inspire me. You really do. Your comments, your posts, your likes, your smileys, your rants, your poems, your successes, your milestones, your fears, your stumbles, your bravery, your friendship, your virtual hugs… you all inspire me to write, to show up, to stay sober and present, to do my best. You remind me that I’m not alone out here and that I’m not the only misfit, maladjusted, typically misunderstood, trying-my-best soul out there. And when I am mad at the world and I want to curl into a ball and listen to Nine Inch Nail’s “The Fragile” and cry and think of regrets and my mom and that crystal clear bottle of liquid comfort that I miss more than I let on, well I somehow manage to dig a little deeper to get out of bed, switch off Trent and NIN, switch on Flav and Public Enemy, and get out there to run, to fight the power, to not drink, and to hopefully inspire other kindreds to do the same.

Yes, I know I’m supposed to nominate a handful of others. But I’m gonna fight the powers that be and nominate you ALL. If you are reading this, in some form or fashion, you are fighting the power and you inspire me to do the same. You are lovely and you are inspiring and you are awesome and I thank you. From the bottom of my messed-up misfit heart, I thank you.

But I’ll play along a little bit and post seven random things about myself. If you accept this nomination, you are free to pass it along to whomever you’d like or not, and you are free to share some random things about yourself or not. I think it would be cool to learn some random stuff about you though, so come on, play along!

1- In my past life (i.e. a few years ago), I was a semi-pro poker player. I played and cashed in the World Series of Poker Main Event and got to be friends with Mr. Celine Dion after sitting by him at a table for a long time. (When he taps his left pinkie, it’s a tell. Just kidding. Maybe.) I was even on tv a couple of times.

2- My favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate peanut butter from Baskin-Robbins. My second favorite flavor is coffee; I think I love it so much because I would always order it with my grandmother when she took me out for ice cream- it made me feel like an adult. Today, it makes me think about her.

3- I love music of all kinds. Big surprise right? But if I had to pick a favorite all-time artist, I would pick Sade. I saw her in concert with my aunt when I was young, and she was so glamorous, ethereal, and angelic. It was like I was hypnotized. I’ve loved her ever since.

4- I’ve always had a pet in my home. I love all animals, great and small. My first dog was a mutt named Toaster. He was a frisbee dog and he would chase me around the yard nipping at my diaper. I loved that little terror, and he loved me.

5- I did not go to my own high school prom. I did buy a prom dress though- it was a red crushed velvet form-fitting number I found at Hot Topic. It was too expensive, so I talked one of the guys that worked there into buying it for me with his employee discount and said he could take me to my prom in it. (I had no shame then either.) Well I got my dress and he ended up having to work anyway, so I didn’t have to go to prom. I was not disappointed.

6- I am big into Shakespeare and acting and I once won a Southern California Recital Award for a piece I performed from “The Taming of the Shrew.” I thought it rather fitting.

7- The current cd in my car stereo is 16 Horsepower’s “Sackcloth ‘n’ Ashes.” It’s way awesome. And I have my friend Rutabaga, The Mercenary Researcher to thank for suggesting it to me.

In closing, I do want to thank and spotlight a few folks. Not for awards or anything, you’re ALL award winners, but for getting me started in blogging and for keeping me blogging:

These four ladies were there at the beginning and helped me muster up the courage to post my first blog pieces. They continue to inspire me today:

The Act of Returning to Normal
ByeByeBeer
October 09
Window of Wisdom

These three bloggers are the newest additions to my recovery blog roll. I thank them for taking those first courageous steps in blogging and in chronicling sober living, and I wish them the best in all they do. Please visit their pages when you have time to do so:

Balancing This Life of Mine
Sober On Life
Without a Glass

* I also must thank Karen at A Life Less Scripted and Rutabaga The Mercenary Researcher who have been with me for a while too (despite my attempts to scare them off). They each nominated me for blog awards early on, and quite frankly I was too new to know how to respond. I also thank a new friend Carrie Rubin at The Write Transition for the great idea of spotlighting these awards on a dedicated page. (She is really smart and funny and has just published a medical thriller novel that I look forward to reading when I finish the never-ending Game of Thrones series. Check her out if you like nice and funny people!)

Walked out this morning
Don’t believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I’m not alone at being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home ~ “Message in a Bottle” by The Police